Let’s talk about individual responsibility.  There are three types of people – those whom nothing is ever their fault and it is always the fault of someone else (their mother, the government, computers, management etc).

Then there are those for whom everything is their responsibility.You can recognise these people by the harried looks on their faces and the need to please and ensure  that everyone is happy.  Then you have the middle group – those people who know their boundaries, own what is theirs and let the rest go.

Before you smugly put yourself into the middle group – stop and think for a moment. To help I will give you some case studies.

Recently I had a performance discussion with someone who stated “of course I take full responsibility for that error” with much chest thumping and posturing.  They then proceeded to blame everyone and everything for the error, interspersed with “of course I take full responsibility”.  In their mind they did, but their words and actions did not match the thought.  This person demonstrated the classic under responsibility syndrome.

I have also had my own “aha” moment when I was asked to take part in an exercise where for 2 minutes I was to list of all of my wishes for me.  I started strongly and about 5 seconds into the session then proceeded to make wishes on behalf of my kids, my elderly parents, my pets and the world. 

So what?  Here comes the kicker – my brief was to ask for wishes for me.  I decided to grant health, happiness and eternal joy to everyone else.  I promptly took responsibility for the entire world.  I also decided that I knew better than them and what lessons they should and shouldn’t face in life.  I decided that they should not have any hard lessons or painful lessons.  To be blunt no lessons at all given that many of life’s best lessons come from triumphing over adversity. I decided what sort of world they would live in and the life they would lead – I am exaggerating here for effect but not much. Over-responsibility here we come! 

I thought I had finally “got” this lesson, until my new job showed me once again my classic over-responsibility behaviour.  Where there was a problem I threw myself into the fray, personally tackling every issue and problem no matter how big or small. For the first few weeks you could call me superwoman! The good news is I re-discovered my behaviour earlier than in the past. I knew from past experience that my over-responsibility has a tendency to create under-responsibility in others.

I see this sort of behaviour a lot in families – for example where the mother runs after the teenage son to drop homework or lunch off to school when they forget.  Are you in this category?

A few years ago a great book came out “The Responsibility Virus” by Roger L Martin. This book highlights that leadership models emphasise “heroic leaders” who take personal responsibility for outcomes. Hero’s:

• take responsibility for critical choices facing their organisation/home,
• when faced with problems they go it alone, work harder and do more,
• don’t collaborate or share the leadership burden

Would be heroes get assistance in creating failure by well-intentioned subordinates, who believe when the chips are down, leaders should be given the latitude to jump into the fray and take control, whether their leadership capabilities are up to the task or not. Heroic and passive signals set off a cascade of reactions. The heroic party reacts to first flinch of passivity/ hesitation by trying to fill what he/she sees as a void. This causes the passive party to see himself/herself as marginalised which prompts a further retreat until he has abdicated all responsibility. 

Near the end of the cycle the passive party is distant, cynical and lethargic. The heroic party, contemptuous of the other and angry at having to bear the full weight alone collapses under the burden. Looking after the world is tiring and stressful. 

So how do you fix over and under responsible behaviour? Advising leaders to stop being heroic and asking passive followers to become more aggressive won’t change behaviour.

The first step is to visualise the end result of the path you are travelling. If you an over achiever – how is this helping others in the long term?  If you are an under-achiever, then what is the impact on others of your behaviour? 

Think about if the other person is really that incompetent or that superior?  Have a discussion with the other person about the “dance” you are in and how you would like to resolve the issue.  Set some clear boundaries and make discussion of these boundaries OK.  Have a regular chat together about how this split is going.

Finally – be real and authentic. Make it OK to talk about your failures and your lessons.  You are human and it is all part of life. Don’t be a hero and don’t be passive wimp. But remember to check – who is responsible for this?

Ingrid Cliff is a Brisbane based Business Development and Human Resources Consultant to Small and Medium Businesses with her company Heart Harmony www.heartharmony.com.au.