The Pain of Perfectionism

Many people struggle with trying to be perfect and perfectionism.  You learnt early that to gain love and respect from others that you needed to always be doing better than your best.  The trouble is that you no longer question whether this is true for you now. You have internalized all the critical voices and being a perfectionist, you have made them even more critical and more harsh.

Try this exercise.  Find a telephone directory—yellow pages are ideal.  Now hold it up with both hands in front of your face.  I want you to grasp it very tightly with your fingers, as if it is possible that it might blow away in the wind. 

Once you are in position—don’t move, don’t let it slip or move 1 mm.  It has to stay perfectly still and in place.

Imagine there are people standing around you, all criticizing you, telling you when you move, telling you how stupid you are.

Try and carry on a “normal” conversation with someone, still not moving the yellow pages.

How are your arms feeling?  How comfortable are you talking to the other person? What are you feeling as you hear the words of criticism?

This is what being perfect is like day in day out.  You try hard to keep up your mask of perfection, while a chorus in your head tells you how bad you are.  The trouble is that the chorus is of your own making.  You now conduct them as well as sing all the roles.  Can you feel how much energy is being taken up by keeping the mask in place?

Now, put the phone book down.  Relax and loosen your muscles. Tell yourself that it is OK not to have to hold up the mask. Imagine the chorus all telling you how great you are just the way you are.  Try and carry on a conversation now.

Can you feel the difference in your body?  Can you hear the difference in your voice—it isn’t as strained.

Being perfect hurts.  When you are rigid and tight, holding the mask in place, you can’t reach out and enjoy life as much as you are capable of doing.  You can’t embrace life and love because a part of you is scared to let anything slip. 

Tips for not being perfect, but being human

Make a deliberate and conscious choice that you do not have to be perfect. This is the first step to embracing a fuller life.

Check what sayings you believe in.  For example—a job worth doing is worth doing well.  I disagree.  A job worth doing is just that, worth doing.  It doesn’t have to be done well, just done— sometimes well, sometimes really poorly and that is OK.

Draw yourself a yin/yang symbol.  As you look at it notice the dots.  In light there is always a spot of darkness.  In darkness a spot of light.  So too with you—you are not perfect, you have bits of both in you.  That is what makes you human, unique and wonderful.  Embrace your “dots”.

Listen to your language.  If you catch yourself saying things such as “I have to do …” or “I must do this better” or “I should have done better”.  Then have a little smile to yourself—you have just caught yourself being perfect.  Now replace the sentence with “I choose to do… (if you really do choose to do it)”, or “I did the best that I was able at the time”, or “so this time didn’t go exactly as I planned.  That is great.  I can always try a different way next time”. 

Use your perfectionism to your advantage. Set yourself a task to be perfectly imperfect.

Questions & Activities

1. Catch yourself being perfect once this week (if you are a real perfectionist, then once a day).  Have a smile to yourself and then physically let your shoulders drop while you let the mantle of perfectionism fall to the floor.

2. Draw a yin/yang symbol and put it somewhere you can see it.  Every time you pass is, say “I embrace and love the good and the bad in me.”

Ingrid Cliff is a Brisbane based Business Development and Human Resources Consultant to Small and Medium Businesses with her company Heart Harmony www.heartharmony.com.au.