Many business owners feel that they need to be “hard” managers in order to get ahead or be successful. They believe that if they show any weakness or flexibility, that staff will “pounce” and take advantage of them.

When you look inside their companies, you see unhappy people (both managers and staff), all tightly hanging onto what is right in their view and making sure they get what they are entitled to.

It can seem to be a never ending spiral downwards – with managers every now and again showing kindness only to feel that it was not appreciated and with staff feeling that managers do not care about them as people. Staff put the hours in, but don’t give of their heart and initiative. Managers give of their money through wages, but don’t give of their compassion and caring.

What is missing is heart – the true sharing of respect and compassion between managers and staff and flowing onto customers. When you manage with heart, you start with the foundation belief that each person wants to do their best and given the right situation and environment, the best is what will be contributed.

Imagine that your workspace is like a home and you are looking at a family – what makes the most loving and nurturing families?  The warmest families are ones where everyone is clear on the rules, they know who is doing what and when and the family members are free to communicate their feelings in a space of mutual respect and openness. 

There is understanding that at times not everyone will agree and there are processes in place about how decisions are made during those times. A family member is not expelled from the family for having a different view and differences of opinion are talked through.

So how do you create a space of mutual respect and nurturing at work?  Start by working out if you truly do want a workspace of respect and nurturing or if you are happy with how things are. Managing from heart takes time and work to achieve and is not to be entered into lightly. Are you willing to put in the effort? Will the results in your mind outweigh the challenges along the way? Unless you have a big enough “why”, then things will remain the same.

Next look at how you act within your own family. Many managers I work with mirror their work behaviour with their behaviour in the family. If you are a distant parent and never there for your children – are you a distant manager? If you are a control freak with your home and how chores are to be performed – are you a control freak as a manager? If your behaviour is not congruent with where you want to be as a manager, talk with someone to learn new patterns of behaviour.

Strong relationships are the next step. Think about it – you are more likely to listen when someone you care about tells you something negative about your behaviour than if a stranger passing by says the same thing. You need to know your staff as people first – what gets them interested and excited to be at work, what motivates them to be the best, why are they working? If you don’t have a strong relationship with each staff member and spend time building those relationships, then your team will only be a shadow of its potential.

Just like all relationships, a quick chat over a cup of coffee every 6 months at performance review time will not form deep and trusting work relationships. Nor does a one sided approach where “you tell me all about you and I will keep me private”.

What is needed is regular exchange of information and sharing of thoughts and feelings to create depth in the relationship.

Regular discussion on boundaries is critical. In the absence of data to the contrary, people will believe they are doing a good job and doing what is needed for success. If you don’t regularly share your definition of success, how can they achieve it?

This raises the challenging question of poor performers. If you are 100% sure that you have been clear on your boundaries, have understood your staff member as a person, fairly rewarded them for the job that they have done and have made sure they have the tools for achieving the tasks and still the person is not performing – then a difficult discussion has to be had. 

Just like a child in a family needs discipline and without it goes off the rails, staff members also need the boundaries of discipline.  Take your lessons for challenging conversations from within your family. Just like you would never consider correcting a child by yelling at them in front of their friends and expecting a positive change in behaviour, don’t do the same with your staff member. 

If you have to discipline, do so in private and give them the respect and courtesy of listening as well as sharing your view. Even if you have to sack someone – you can do it with respect and understanding of the emotional impact your decision has and act to minimize the impact as far as possible.

The bottom line, if you are not sure whether you are managing with heart stop and ask – Do I feel valued in my work? Do my staff feel valued? Do my customers feel valued? If you get a “no” to any of these questions – stop and look at where you can open your heart, extend compassion and understanding and build relations.

Ingrid Cliff is a Brisbane based Business Development and Human Resources Consultant to Small and Medium Businesses with her company Heart Harmony www.heartharmony.com.au.